Dear Molson, Budweiser, Coors, et. al.,
I'm a beer drinker. I'm what you'd call your "target audience." As such, I have a few suggestions.
Remember when your beer was tasty and refreshing, and your sales relied solely on the high-quality product you offered? Because I don't. Your beer is mass-produced and mediocre, and freshness and flavour are no longer a consideration because your beers are laced with preservatives and brewed using low-quality ingredients, then boxed and left to sit for months. This is all fine, if swill is what you're looking to sell. My suggestion is to change the language of your ads to correspond with reality; instead of words like "cool," "crisp," and "clean," show some confidence in your product and tell it like it is: flat, bland, and cheap.
Beyond their misleading language, many of your ads prominently feature rugged-looking men socializing with shapely, attractive young females. This is a long-standing and well known farce, but this trend has developed into something even worse. Now, you advertise contests awarding admission into mansions or parties which promise to be filled with beer-commercial-caliber women who don't mind wearing bikinis so that they can be ogled by drunks as long as there's a paycheque involved, and the kind of men who drink case after case of mediocre beer to get into a lame party filled with strangers and women with low self-esteem. Of course the attraction is the promise, written all over the ads, of easy sex and drunken hi-jinx - a potent strategy for appealing to aging losers looking to reconnect with their glory days in the fraternity. I can see the next evolutionary step: one in every hundred cases comes with a free voucher for phone sex. My suggestion is to remember that you make beer, not condoms - stop selling sex.
This is juvenile stuff, guys. Kids can do better. Dumb kids, even.
Or maybe they can't, and that's why I shouldn't expect anything better from you.
- John
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