An open letter to Pizza Hut

Dear Pizza Hut,

I’d like to express my alarm with your operations in light of my most frequent order.

The incident in question was no more than a month ago. I ordered a Panormous pizza, which I was assured by your television advertisement would be not only an awkward and ungainly portmanteau, but would, more importantly, be “so big it never ends.”

Seeing as I was with a friend, we were hungry at the time, and we both estimated that we would each be hungry at least twice a day from then on, for the rest of our foreseeable lives, we decided that purchasing an infinite amount of pizza for $14.99 was not only a good deal but a wise and foresighted choice.

I firmly believe that truthfulness and forthrightness are essential qualities in honest dealings and worthwhile relationships, so I will not waste words with you. You lied. Blatantly. Clearly. Unwaveringly. You lied remorselessly, without consideration of your overweight but dedicated base of loyal customers.

Did you think they wouldn’t notice their pizza ending? That can’t be, because there is but the slimmest chance that your characteristically pudgy customers wouldn’t notice their pizza supply terminating. Did you think they wouldn’t care when they finished their endless pizza? Also unlikely, again given the portly nature of your devotees. Why, then?

It’s because you don’t care about honesty, and that’s despicable. It’s because you have no respect or sense of accountability to your customers, and that’s deplorable. It’s because advertising is so out of hand that corporations can blatantly and maliciously lie to consumers to benefit themselves, and consumers are so apathetic and complacent that they hardly notice being lied to, let alone care. That isn’t your fault, but shame on you for exploiting the situation.

It would have been just as easy, and this whole situation could have been avoided, had you simply said: “this pizza is considerably larger than any pizza we have previously sold.” Instead, you opted for the lie, and in so doing lost a customer.

Oh, and your pizza is mediocre at best.

Yours,

John